Photo by Oleg Moroz
I recently had cataract surgery, and as the healing process brings the world into crisper focus, I can’t stop thinking of Jimmy Cliff singing I Can See Clearly Now. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s just one more in a countless number of songs that make up the soundtrack of my life. And since my brain has a tendency to slip down rabbit holes, it got me thinking about the multitude of songs that have attached themselves to certain experiences or situations over the years.
I recall an incident back in the ’90s where I was driving to a work meeting, and my mind was twisted in knots over something completely out of my control. The more I thought about it, the more anxious I became. I wasn’t consciously listening to the radio, but the beginning lyrics of a song that came on quickly penetrated my angst, and I felt myself start to calm. The song was River of Deceit by Mad Season, and the words that settled me were, “My pain is self-chosen.” It was a perfectly timed reminder that, while I may not have control over the situation, I did have control over how I let it affect me. An alternative rock song unexpectedly provided exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it.
Music creates connections to feelings as well as life events. Certain songs, or types of songs, tend to remind me of loved ones who are no longer here. For years after Mom died, I couldn’t bear to listen to her favorite church hymns because they amplified the pain of losing her. I finally worked through that, and I’m relieved I did because hearing those hymns now brings back warm, happy memories of my wonderful mom. After Dad passed away, listening to his favorite music – Chet Atkins in particular – never made me sad; it made me feel closer to him. It still does. And there’s a James Taylor song that always reminds me of my late brother. I remember one day when I was a teen, I walked by the closed bathroom door and heard Aaron singing Fire and Rain. He had the exhaust fan going and probably thought it drowned out the sound, but I’m glad it didn’t. That was the only time I ever heard him sing, and he had a beautiful voice.
When it comes to music, I’ve nearly always been able to count on it to get me through tough times. There was one instance, though, when it fell woefully short. Several years after Mom passed away, Dad decided to remarry. Even though I was extremely fond of his betrothed and very happy for them both, I still missed my mom and knew the wedding might be a bit difficult for me. So, to protect my tender heart, I came up with a plan to distract myself if I started to get emotional. I would sing Christmas carols in my head. Unfortunately, I was blindsided by the very first song they played during the ceremony. It was The Rose…an innocent, yet horrifically ill-conceived, choice. My mom’s name was Rosabel, and that song hit me like a royal kick in the gut. While I struggled to maintain my composure, I couldn’t for the life of me come up with a single Christmas carol to cling to. The only song I could conjure up was Dead Skunk. You know…that early ‘70s ode to the odoriferous. I ran the lyrics through my head as best I could, but the damage was already done. The proverbial dam broke, and there was nothing left for me to do but sit there and silently sob while my husband patted my shoulder. Fortunately, anyone who later saw my splotchy face merely assumed I was the sort who cried at weddings. Also fortunate is the fact that that pitiful experience didn’t taint Dead Skunk for me. It’s still one of my very favorite songs.
Regardless of the few times when music couldn’t soothe my soul, it remains my tether to treasured memories and current joys. I often choose songs that are fun and energetic, and I don’t always pay attention to the – sometimes questionable – lyrics (Warren Zevon’s Excitable Boy comes to mind). But the songs that really hit home are those that elicit a sense of love and compassion. A recent favorite that falls into that category is A Little Bit of Love by Weezer.
And because I wish everyone a little bit of love, my gift to you is the link below. As you listen, I hope you feel the love I’m sending out.
Enjoy, smile, and maybe even sing along. I know I will.
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This was fun to ponder. We do seem to have playlists in our heads that appear at odd times. It is usually difficult to share those because not too many people have the same perspective to life. Thanks for sharing. I’m trying to picture Aaron singing!🎶